From the text that comes just as you were moving on, the sporadic likes, and the plans that never materialize, the world of modern dating has been marked, a form of courtship involving social interaction and activities that might evolve into an exclusive relationship between two people.
In the 21st century dating has changed exponentially due to something we use: everyday technology. The replacement of courtship, a series of interactions between a couple that involves parental approval and rules of behavior, with the stated goal of marriage, with algorithms in dating apps has led to people hiding behind a screen rather than finding the balance between traditional courtship and modern technology.
In traditional courtship, when you lose attraction or realize someone is not the perfect match, individuals go through a form of separation, such as a breakup or divorce. This new universal dating experience has devolved into a lack of commitment, a promise of dedication to a relationship in which there is an emotional attachment to another person who has made the same promise.
People usually hold back from commitment for a few main reasons. Maybe they’re afraid of being rejected. Or they’re still hoping to find someone better by building a “roster.” Sometimes, they just want to connect with someone without all the baggage of a full-blown relationship, leading them to keep you around. If you have been in the modern dating scene, this may feel all too familiar.
While the lack of commitment feels personal, this behavior is often less about you and more about the perpetrator’s psychological deficits — ranging from deep insecurity to a simple lack of courage.
What It Actually Looks Like
In modern dating, you tend to hear two terms that encompass the actions a person takes when they hold back from commitment and won’t let you go: they are breadcrumbing and benching. The two sound like what they are. Breadcrumbing is the little “crumbs” of attention a person gives someone to keep them interested without the intent to commit. While the other term may remind you of sports, in dating, benching occurs when someone is placed on a “roster” as a backup option while pursuing others.
Breadcrumbing Signs
Have you ever received the random “Hey” or “Thinking of you” text, but when you reply, there is no follow-up? This is one of the most common examples of breadcrumbing. Ever wondered why someone ignores your messages but will engage with your social media page (liking stories or posts, for example)? Yep, you guessed it; you’re receiving someone’s “crumbs” of affection. Now is my personal favorite, when someone talks about making vague plans (“Let’s hang out soon”), but you never receive a date or time. Say it with me now… You’re getting breadcrumbed!
Benching Signs
Now on to the most popular sporting event, modern dating. Have you ever had someone disappear when they meet someone else, only to reappear when that fizzles out (many famous football players)? Then, odds are you got benched for this game. Wondered why some interactions are high-effort but inconsistent? Congratulations! You’ve become the second string. Now here’s where we see food and support collide. Met someone who keeps the connection just enough so you can’t move on? You know what’s coming… You’ve been benched and breadcrumbed!
Now, a question remains: why is this such a universal experience?
The Core Question: Malice or Fear?
Since we have learned two of the more popular methods of avoiding commitment, why not dive into the possible reasons why?
Option A: The Narcissistic Supply (Malice)
For those with narcissistic traits, attention and control are a currency (“supply”). They don’t want you; they want your attention and admiration. Keeping someone on the hook provides them with a sense of power and ensures they never have to be alone. How can someone be okay with doing this to others? A truly narcissistic dater does not calculate the emotional cost to the person they are seeing. They simply prioritize their need for validation.
Option B: The Avoidant Attacher (Fear)
Fear of confrontation affects a lot of people. Many people bench others simply because they are terrified of the “I’m not interested” conversation. They hope you will get the hint so they don’t have to be the “bad guy.” This is referred to as the “nice person” syndrome. Individuals may think they are being nice by “letting you down easy” (slow fade), but they are actually inflicting a slow, painful confusion on the other person.
Ambivalence is another thing that affects various individuals. A person may genuinely like you, but having an avoidant attachment style triggers anxiety when people get too close. They pull away to feel safe, then reach out when they feel lonely.
Option C: The Paradox of Choice (FOMO)
The digital supermarket in the age of dating apps leads to a pervasive fear that a “better” partner is just one swipe away. Benching is commonly used when someone is experiencing the paradox of choice. This method helps keep multiple options open to hedge their bets against rejection or settling.
What should you do?
There are many things you can do to get clarity for yourself. One method is the “call out” method; this is when you send a direct message to force their hand. An example message could be “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m looking for consistency. Since our communication is sporadic, I’m going to step back.” You can also match the energy you are receiving from them. Some examples of this are to stop responding to low-effort “crumbs.” You could also just not reply when they ask a question or suggest a plan. Lastly is the “zero tolerance” policy and deleting their number/contact to remove any excitement you see when their name pops up. No matter what, remember: you are not a backup plan, and you do not survive on crumbs.
Podvorec is a guest blogger at UITAC Publishing. UITAC’s mission is to provide high-quality, affordable, and socially responsible online course materials.
Images used in this blog:
- “Man Wearing Black Zip Jacket Holding Smartphone Surrounded by Grey Concrete Buildings” by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels licensed under Free Use. This image has not been altered.
- “Bench in the Park” by Ayşenaz Bilgin on Pexels licensed under Free Use. This image has not been altered.
- “Photograph of a Woman in a Sweatshirt Covering Her Face” by Itzel Ameyelli on Pexels licensed under Free Use. This image has not been altered.
